Eeew

At the vet...

Peter: We have to give Max half of this pill tonight.  If he poops worm tonight, we give him the other half in a week.  If he doesn't, we give it to him in a month.
Me: Boy, I hope he doesn't poop worms.
Peter: Me too.  They can really be harmful for dogs.
Me: Yeah...
Peter: And of course, our neighbors' dogs could get them from him.
Me: Yeah...
Peter: They're probably bad for the environment.
Me: Yeah.  Listen.  That's true and all, but the only reason I don't want him to poop worms is because it would be really, really gross.
Peter: Totally.

When you assume...

There's an erroneous deductive leap that my Chinese coworkers sometimes make that I find disturbing.  I'm not gonna lie.  There's a McDonald's in the building where I work, and they serve delicious white fluffy soft-serve ice cream cones that taste like America.  Often I stop there at the end of my munch break and pick one up, so I'm eating it in the elevator when I run into a coworker, who more often than not says, "Oh, you're eating ice cream for lunch."  


Now, this is not a case of lost in translation.  Further questioning reveals that they actually believe I am eating ice cream FOR lunch, not after lunch or as a part of my lunch.  FOR.  It's lunch time, and I am eating ice cream, therefore I must be eating ice cream FOR lunch.  This faulty syllogism worries me.  If I were in the hallway at  two am would they think that I sleep in the hallway?  See?  Disturbing.


Anyway, I haven't written about this faulty deduction yet because so far there's been nothing to tell but what I've already told you.  But today, the faulty leap was combined with...well, this:

Me: Hello.
Random Coworker: Ice cream is too sweet.
Me:  Uh...
Random Coworker:  I would never eat ice cream for (FOR) lunch.  It's very fatty.
Me: I'm not eating ice cream for lunch.
Random Coworker: ...
Me: It's lunchtime, but just because I am eating ice cream doesn't mean this is my lunch.  I just finished my meal, this is my dessert.
Random Coworker: I don't usually eat ice cream at all.
Me: I don't usually walk up to people and criticize what they're eating.
Random Coworker: ...

And for a bonus, this puzzling exchange, which took place just after...

Me: Hello.
Another Coworker:  Lucy, do you know who this guy is?
Me:  No.  Is he Chinese?
Another Coworker: He's an ABC (American-Born Chinese).  He's a baseball player.
Me: Oh, I'm not a big sports fan.
Another Coworker: He plays for the New York Knicks.
Me: That's a basketball team, not a baseball team.
Another Coworker: I know.  I just like calling it baseball.
Me: I can see life is going to be rough on you.
Another Coworker: What?
Me: Nothing.

Death Becomes Us

We took a long walk today and discussed...

Peter: Stinky stinky stinky!
Me: Hefty Heft Hefty!
Peter: What's that from, a Geico commercial?


Peter: Whitney Houston is dead!
Me: I know, it's so sad.
Peter: Steve Jobs, Kim Jhong Il, Whitney Houston.  Maybe the world is going to end this year.
Me: Since it didn't end when Michael Jackson died, I think we're okay.