Eeew

At the vet...

Peter: We have to give Max half of this pill tonight.  If he poops worm tonight, we give him the other half in a week.  If he doesn't, we give it to him in a month.
Me: Boy, I hope he doesn't poop worms.
Peter: Me too.  They can really be harmful for dogs.
Me: Yeah...
Peter: And of course, our neighbors' dogs could get them from him.
Me: Yeah...
Peter: They're probably bad for the environment.
Me: Yeah.  Listen.  That's true and all, but the only reason I don't want him to poop worms is because it would be really, really gross.
Peter: Totally.

When you assume...

There's an erroneous deductive leap that my Chinese coworkers sometimes make that I find disturbing.  I'm not gonna lie.  There's a McDonald's in the building where I work, and they serve delicious white fluffy soft-serve ice cream cones that taste like America.  Often I stop there at the end of my munch break and pick one up, so I'm eating it in the elevator when I run into a coworker, who more often than not says, "Oh, you're eating ice cream for lunch."  


Now, this is not a case of lost in translation.  Further questioning reveals that they actually believe I am eating ice cream FOR lunch, not after lunch or as a part of my lunch.  FOR.  It's lunch time, and I am eating ice cream, therefore I must be eating ice cream FOR lunch.  This faulty syllogism worries me.  If I were in the hallway at  two am would they think that I sleep in the hallway?  See?  Disturbing.


Anyway, I haven't written about this faulty deduction yet because so far there's been nothing to tell but what I've already told you.  But today, the faulty leap was combined with...well, this:

Me: Hello.
Random Coworker: Ice cream is too sweet.
Me:  Uh...
Random Coworker:  I would never eat ice cream for (FOR) lunch.  It's very fatty.
Me: I'm not eating ice cream for lunch.
Random Coworker: ...
Me: It's lunchtime, but just because I am eating ice cream doesn't mean this is my lunch.  I just finished my meal, this is my dessert.
Random Coworker: I don't usually eat ice cream at all.
Me: I don't usually walk up to people and criticize what they're eating.
Random Coworker: ...

And for a bonus, this puzzling exchange, which took place just after...

Me: Hello.
Another Coworker:  Lucy, do you know who this guy is?
Me:  No.  Is he Chinese?
Another Coworker: He's an ABC (American-Born Chinese).  He's a baseball player.
Me: Oh, I'm not a big sports fan.
Another Coworker: He plays for the New York Knicks.
Me: That's a basketball team, not a baseball team.
Another Coworker: I know.  I just like calling it baseball.
Me: I can see life is going to be rough on you.
Another Coworker: What?
Me: Nothing.

Death Becomes Us

We took a long walk today and discussed...

Peter: Stinky stinky stinky!
Me: Hefty Heft Hefty!
Peter: What's that from, a Geico commercial?


Peter: Whitney Houston is dead!
Me: I know, it's so sad.
Peter: Steve Jobs, Kim Jhong Il, Whitney Houston.  Maybe the world is going to end this year.
Me: Since it didn't end when Michael Jackson died, I think we're okay.

How many air miles do I have, again?

So, we all know that my name is Christense, but I also sometimes go by Lucy because it is easier for people to remember and pronounce.  Upon learning that I had two names, my new manager said:


Manager: So we can call you Lucy-Christense.
Me: No.  You can't.
Manager: Why not?
Me: It's not a name.  No one would ever be called that in English.
Manager: But it's cute!
Me: (ignoring the inappropriateness of the "cute" comment)  It's not, it's ridiculous.  Please don't use that name to refer to me.
Manager: But...
Me: Really.  I don't like it.



A month later, upon learning that I didn't have a corporate email address:


Manager:  So, we'll get you one.  You can be lucychristense@domainname.com
Me: No, no I can't.
Manager: Of course you can!  It's surely not taken by anyone else.
Me; First of all, I asked you not to use that name for me.  Second of all, since all the other email addresses are Chinese names, then christense@domainname.com and lucy@domainname.com are probably not in use by anyone else, either.
Manager: Yeah, well, we'll get you an email address.



And then today:


Manager's assistant: Our manager got your email address done.  It's lucychristense@domainname.com.
Me: But I specifically said I didn't want that email address.
Manager's assistant: You did?
Me: Yes.
Manager's assistant: Did you tell our manger?
Me: Yes, I did.  You were standing right there.
Manager's assistant: Well, this is your email address.
Me: I'm not going to use that.
Manager's assistant: But our manager wants everyone to use a corporate email address.
Me: Then this one needs to be changed.  That's not my name.


Note: This wasn't name censoring, Assistant really does always refer to him as Our Manager, not by his name.  All this shuffle occurred after Our Manager came to the department, introduced himself using an English name, then suddenly asked everyone to stop using it (because he looked it up and realized it wasn't a name).  Now he insists on being referred to only by his Chinese name, )which is fine).  He also insists that I learn all employees' Chinese names and only use Chinese names when I talk to him about employees...no English names allowed, he says it's too much trouble for him to learn them (whatever, also fine).  But apparently he also wants a similar degree of control over what I call myself.  Oh well.  I can out-stubborn any Chinese man...just ask poor Peter!

Achoo At You!

Peter has a condition called the Photic Sneeze Reflex, which means he usually sneezes when he's first exposed to bright light, especially sunlight.  It also apparently damages his memory since, for the first three years I knew him, he explained after every Photic sneeze, "I'm allergic to the light."  After awhile, it drove me bonkers, which I think he mistakenly interprets as disbelief.

Peter: (walking into the bright bathroom from the dim living room): Achoo!
Me: You're allergic to the light!
Peter: That's right! You Google it! (These sentences all have exclamation points because we're shouting across the house)
Me: I believe you!  I don't need to Google it!
Peter: You Google it!
Me: Fine!  (fake typing) I Google it!  I believe you!
Peter: You never did anything that fast in your entire life!
Me: Fine! (Google) Okay, it's on Wikipedia, it must be real!

I am with a student who is interning as an MD.  He's got some famous quote he wants to translate into English.

Deak: How does this sound?  "Life is the hymen between matter and spirit."
Me: (cough) Um, you need to look up that word again.
Deak: Which word?
Me: Hymen.
Deak: ...oh.  Well, ah...
Me: Never mind.


And finally, I saw this sign on the back of a car the other day.  I wasn't quick enough with my camera, but someone else was!  Thanks to Asia Insider Photos for this picture!

Watch where you step!  Happy New Year!

Day Six

God rest you merry, gentlemen,

Let nothing you dismay,

For Jesus Christ, our Savior,

Was born upon this day

To save us all from Satan's power

When we were gone astray.

Refrain:

O tidings of comfort and joy,

comfort and joy;

O tidings of comfort and joy!

In Bethlehem in Judea

This blessed Babe was born,

And laid within a manger

Upon this blessed morn;

The which his mother Mary

Nothing did take in scorn. Refrain

From God our heavenly Father

A blessed angel came,

And unto certain shepherds

Brought tidings of the same,

How that in Bethlehem was born

The Son of God by name. Refrain

'Fear not,' then said the angel,

'Let nothing you affright;

This day is born a Savior

Of virtue, power and might,

So frequently to vanquish all

The friends of Satan quite.' Refrain

The shepherds at these tidings

Rejoiced much in mind,

And left their flocks a-feeding

In tempest, storm and wind,

And went to Bethlehem straightway

This blessed Babe to find. Refrain

But when to Bethlehem they came,

Whereat this Infant lay,

They found him in a manger

Where oxen fed on hay;

His mother Mary, kneeling,

Unto the Lord did pray. Refrain

Now to the Lord sing praises,

All you within this place,

And with true love and brotherhood

Each other now embrace.

The holy tide of Christmas

All others doth efface. Refrain

Day Five

My all-time favorite Christmas Song!

Silent night, holy night,

All is calm, all is bright

Round yon virgin mother and Child.

Holy Infant, so tender and mild,

Sleep in heavenly peace,

Sleep in heavenly peace.

Silent night, holy night,

Shepherds quake at the sight;

Glories stream from heaven afar,

Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia!

Christ the Savior is born,

Christ the Savior is born!

Silent night, holy night,

Son of God, love’s pure light;

Radiant beams from Thy holy face

With the dawn of redeeming grace,

Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth,

Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth.

Silent night, holy night

Wondrous star, lend thy light;

With the angels let us sing,

Alleluia to our King;

Christ the Savior is born,

Christ the Savior is born!

Day Four

    O little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie!

    Above thy deep and dreamless sleep the silent stars go by.

    Yet in thy dark streets shineth the everlasting Light;

    The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight.

    For Christ is born of Mary, and gathered all above,

    While mortals sleep, the angels keep their watch of wond’ring love.

    O morning stars, together proclaim the holy birth,

    And praises sing to God the King, and peace to men on earth!

    How silently, how silently, the wondrous Gift is giv’n;

    So God imparts to human hearts the blessings of His Heav’n.

    No ear may hear His coming, but in this world of sin,

    Where meek souls will receive Him still, the dear Christ enters in.

    Where children pure and happy pray to the blessed Child,

    Where misery cries out to Thee, Son of the mother mild;

    Where charity stands watching and faith holds wide the door,

    The dark night wakes, the glory breaks, and Christmas comes once more.

    O holy Child of Bethlehem, descend to us, we pray;

    Cast out our sin, and enter in, be born in us today.

    We hear the Christmas angels the great glad tidings tell;

    Oh, come to us, abide with us, our Lord Emmanuel!

Day Three point five

This is one of my all time favorites.

O come, O come, Emmanuel,

And ransom captive Israel,

That mourns in lonely exile here

Until the Son of God appear.

Refrain

Rejoice! Rejoice!

Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Wisdom from on high,

Who orderest all things mightily;

To us the path of knowledge show,

And teach us in her ways to go.

Refrain

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free

Thine own from Satan’s tyranny;

From depths of hell Thy people save,

And give them victory over the grave.

Refrain

O come, Thou Day-spring, come and cheer

Our spirits by Thine advent here;

Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,

And death’s dark shadows put to flight.

Refrain

O come, Thou Key of David, come,

And open wide our heavenly home;

Make safe the way that leads on high,

And close the path to misery.

Refrain

O come, O come, great Lord of might,

Who to Thy tribes on Sinai’s height

In ancient times once gave the law

In cloud and majesty and awe.

Refrain

O come, Thou Root of Jesse’s tree,

An ensign of Thy people be;

Before Thee rulers silent fall;

All peoples on Thy mercy call.

Refrain

O come, Desire of nations, bind

In one the hearts of all mankind;

Bid Thou our sad divisions cease,

And be Thyself our King of Peace.

Day Three

O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant,

O come ye, O come ye, to Bethlehem.

Come and behold Him, born the King of angels;

Refrain

O come, let us adore Him,

O come, let us adore Him,

O come, let us adore Him,

Christ the Lord.

True God of true God, Light from Light Eternal,

Lo, He shuns not the Virgin’s womb;

Son of the Father, begotten, not created;

Refrain

Sing, choirs of angels, sing in exultation;

O sing, all ye citizens of heaven above!

Glory to God, all glory in the highest;

Refrain

See how the shepherds, summoned to His cradle,

Leaving their flocks, draw nigh to gaze;

We too will thither bend our joyful footsteps;

Refrain

Lo! star led chieftains, Magi, Christ adoring,

Offer Him incense, gold, and myrrh;

We to the Christ Child bring our hearts’ oblations.

Refrain

Child, for us sinners poor and in the manger,

We would embrace Thee, with love and awe;

Who would not love Thee, loving us so dearly?

Quotation

I'm reading Dickens's A Christmas Carol for the first time and, since I am a sucker for a good quotation, I thought I'd share this one.

“There are some upon this earth of yours who lay claim to know us, and who do their deeds of passion, pride, ill-will, hatred, envy, bigotry, and selfishness in our name, who are as strange to us, and all our kith and kin, as if they had never lived. Remember that, and charge their doings on themselves, not us.”  --The Spirit of Christmas Present

Day Two

For those of you just tuning in at home, we're taking a six-day trip through the lyrics to some of the most familiar Christmas hymns.  We continue our journey today with "O Holy Night."

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of the dear Savior's birth.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining.

Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!

O night divine, the night when Christ was born;

O night divine, O night, when Christ was born.

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,

With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.

O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming,

Now come the wise men from out of the Orient land.

The King of kings lay thus lowly manger;

In all our trials born to be our friends.

He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,

Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!

Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another,

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.

And in his name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

With all our hearts we praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,

His power and glory ever more proclaim!

His power and glory ever more proclaim!

"And in His name all oppression shall cease."  So apt as we watch the events play out in North Korea.  Let it be so, Lord.

The Six Days of Christmas

I love old hymns.  Love, love them.  That's mostly what we sang in church when I was young, and it was by far my favorite part of the service.  Don't get me wrong, I like contemporary music, too; there's a lot of great new stuff out there.  But when things get tight, sing me a few verses of "It is Well With my Soul."  Tell me that's not powerful.

In church we always sang verses one, two, and four, supposedly to save time.  That never made sense to me, because it doesn't take but a minute to sing a verse of a hymn, and it's so fun.  It may have been some kind of "grass is greener" phenomenon, but I always felt like the third verse was the one with the most powerful lyrics.  Was it a conspiracy to cover up the most powerful (and therefore, dangerous) messages of these songs?  The world will never know.

(Now I know that some object to old hymns, claiming they contain faulty theology.  Well, I can't argue with that (I'd never win if I tried, anyway) but I'll only accept that objection if you're subjecting all your music to the same scrutiny, not just the old stuff.)

My favorite worship service of the year has always been the one paltry Sunday on which we sang Christmas carols.  The rest of the year they looked out of place in the hymnal beside the "every Sunday" songs, but the last Sunday before Christmas we were allowed to belt them...verses one, two and four, of course.

Retail Christmas starts earlier and earlier every year, but Christmas hymn Sunday remains frustratingly in place.  If I were a worship leader I'd dust those babies off right after Halloween and keep them in the rotation until Groundhog's Day, so it's probably a good thing that I'm not.  There's a lot of good Christmas songs, but these hymns are powerful.  They get me every time.  It's the only time of year we can go into public places and hear the birth of Christ proclaimed in song.  Sometimes I'm amazed.  How do we get away with it?  I think it's because they're too familiar.  We've known them for so long that they've passed into the subconscious, with all the other miscellaneous stuff.

Though it's true that many of our Christmas traditions do not have Christian origins, Christmas has been celebrated for years by mainstream society as a staunchly religious holiday.  As our culture moves away from that, I see us in a bit of a pickle trying to sort out the traditional from the religious.  We resolve this dilemma with instrumental versions of old songs, and new, Jesus-free Christmas songs, and moving the meaning of Christmas to a belief in "the Christmas spirit" and away from religion.

Don't get me wrong, I think these things are good, not bad.  I think people who aren't Christians shouldn't celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday.  God isn't honored by unwilling, or unwitting, praise.  I think people should be free to celebrate the holiday the way they want.  After all, I'm not free to celebrate in my way unless others are free to celebrate in theirs.  My only beef with the situation is that the drive for secular songs to fill the gap has produced some truly horrible Christmas music.  I'm sorry, but there it is.

So I'm here in China, but I am not without Christmas.  Celebrations of Christmas, at least in this part of China, are more and more in vogue every year.  A couple weeks ago I walked into my local mega-mart (yep, we have those; with a billion people, there required) and saw these:

Who says China is behind the world in human rights?  China is a place where Spanish-speaking Packers, Raiders, and Redskin fans can all share their Christmas lo mein together.  And of course we can do so while listening to this rendition I heard last week in McDonald's, "Jingle bell, jingle bell....in a one-horse open slee!"  I get that "sleigh" is hard to pronounce, but doesn't the rhyming scheme with "way" help?  I know Chinese preschoolers that get it.  Oh well.

So I was in Subway yesterday, and I had this idea.  Subway, like all remotely western businesses, is playing Christmas music.  I was just thinking how nice it was that I hadn't heard any "Feliz Navidad" when they played both "The Little Drummer Boy" and "Christmas Shoes."  Call me a philistine, but those are the two worst Christmas songs ever, closely followed by "Here Comes Santa Claus."  The drummer boy is a nice enough story, but I'm sorry, no mother every gave anyone permission to play a percussion instrument around her newborn.  And Christmas shoes?  I know it was the top of the charts a few years ago, and the mom is dying and blah blah, but I can't stand it.  It's like someone found a way to use the PA system to send me email spam.  Sorry, kids.

As I was yearning for some of the good ol' stuff, I had an idea.  We've got six days till Christmas (give or take), and that's eight songs.  I'm gonna search up my best Christmas hymns and post their lyrics here.  I know you already know them, but take a look.  Really take a look.  For starters, let's get to know that lost third verse.  Most of the hymns we associate with Christmas weren't written specifically for Christmas (validating those of use who want to listen to them and sing them in September) but were written like any other hymn: to be good, ol' praise.  So, I'm going to post the lyrics to one hymn every day until Christmas.  I wish I'd thought of this sooner, then I'd challenge worship leaders to start singing these songs earlier, though perhaps not as early as Halloween.  Well, you'll have to stick that one behind your ear for next year.  Anyway, today's selection is Joy to the World.

Joy to the world, the Lord is come!

Let earth receive her King;

Let every heart prepare Him room,

And heav’n and nature sing,

And heav’n and nature sing,

And heav’n, and heav’n, and nature sing.

Joy to the earth, the Savior reigns!

Let men their songs employ;

While fields and floods, rocks, hills, and plains

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat, repeat, the sounding joy.

No more let sins and sorrows grow,

Nor thorns infest the ground;

He comes to make His blessings flow

Far as the curse is found,

Far as the curse is found,

Far as, far as, the curse is found.

He rules the world with truth and grace,

And makes the nations prove

The glories of His righteousness,

And wonders of His love,

And wonders of His love,

And wonders, wonders, of His love.

"He comes to make his blessings flow far as the curse is found."  When you hear "Old Man is Stalking You"  ("Santa Claus is Coming to Town") in Walgreen's for the twenty-nine millionth time, think about that.  To make his blessings flow.  Joy to you.

This Evening

Peter is using a Chinese language version of MS Word to write up a contract while I watch reruns of 30 Rock.

Peter: How do I start a new page?
Me: Use a page break.
Peter: What?
Me: Okay, is this the insert menu?  Okay, choose that one...click here...no, here...then okay.
Peter:  Great, thanks.
Me: Isn't it kind of sad that I can remember all the menu option in Word so well that I can use them in a language I can't read?
Peter: What?
Me: No, not sad...
Peter: Maybe you're just old?
Me: What?
Peter: Well, you said you were sad.
Me: Since when does sad equal old?  Sad does not equal old, and anyway I changed my mind, it's not sad, it's awesome.  So there.
Peter: If you say so.


I am going down to the convenience store to buy movie snacks.  I don't know which is weirder: his description or the fact that I actually got it.

Me: What do you want?
Peter: A Coke Zero and some of those chip things.
Me: What things?
Peter: I forgot the English name.
Me: What do they look like?
Peter: They're, you know, kind of a round triangle cube.
Beat.
Me: Bugles?
Peter: Yeah!  Bugles.
Me: That shape is called a cone.  You know, like an ice cream cone.
Peter:  Yeah.  Tiny wizard hats.
Me: I would accept "cone" or "tiny wizard hats," but you're going to lose points for "round triangle cube."
Peter: Don't talk to me again until after you're done grading your tests.


After watching "Columbiana."


Peter: I think that movie should be named "Catalaya."
Me: I think Columbiana means a woman from Columbia.  But it is a pretty name.
Peter: Maybe we should name our daughter that.
Me: Yeah, but what'll we tell her if she asks us where her name came from?
Peter: We could just tell her we heard of the flower and named her after that.
Me: How's our child going to believe we named her after a Columbian flower?  Anyway, do you want to lie to our child?
Peter: You want to tell her she's named after an assassin?
Me: Never mind.  I don't think I want to give our daughter a name that rhymes with playa.

So Close, and yet So Far

Margie and I are discussing marriage.

Margie: My husband words for Shanxi TV.
Me: I'm going to be a guest on the talk show, Hello Ni Hao.
Margie: Oh, so maybe you'll meet him!
Me:  Maybe I can spy on him for you.
Margie: No, that would be a waste of time.  I never worry about what he's up to when I am not around.  My husband is too old, fat and ugly to have a mattress.
Me: A mattress?
Margie: Oh, I meant a mistress.  Basically the same thing, though.


Discussing America with Jackie.

Jackie: I've heard that America has a lot of terrorist cities--
Me: What?
Jackie: --places where people go to relax, see famous places--
Me: Oh, you mean tourist cities.
Jackie: Yeah, terrorist cities.
Me: Yeah, we need to work on your pronunciation.


Getting to know you.

Me: Have you ever won an award?
Tina: Yes.
Me: What kind of award did you win?
Tina: I won an award for an English competition.
Me: very cool.
Tina: I also won an award for playing the piano...every year for the last six years.  I won two awards for chemistry, one for math, one for and English speech competition--
Me: Dang, Gina!
Tina: What?  What does that mean?
Me: Um, I meant to say, you're very talented.
Tina: So, "Dang, Gina!" means I am talented?
Me: More or less.

Back from Hiatus

Been on a sort of a hiatus, because of the summer rush at my school.  However, I'm back now!  The following conversation occurred after Peter and I watched the movie Eagle Eye.  Usually after we watch a movie I go to IMDB and look it up.

Me: Oh, look, Steven Spielberg was the original director of this movie.
Peter: Who?
Me: Steven Spielberg.
Peter: I don't know.
Me: you don't KNOW?
Peter: What else has he done?
Me: Um, Jaws, Hook, Indiana Jones, ET...
Peter: Oh.
Me:...Back to the Future, Jurassic Park, Animaniacs, Schindler's List...
Peter: Ok.
Me:...The Terminal, Minority Report, AI, Batteries Not Included, Catch Me If You Can, Goonies...
Peter: Yeah, ok, that's good enough.
Me: So, you know?
Peter: Sure.
Me: Here's a picture of him.
Peter: Hmm.  Looks like Harry Potter.


Daisy and I are discussing movies.  This post is the reason I don't try harder to clear this up.

 Daisy: My favorite movie is Twilight.  I think it's so romantic.  I really like the girl, Kris...Kris...
Me: Kristen Stewart.
Daisy: Yeah, Kristen Stewart.  I think she's a really good actress.  She can play so many different kinds of people.  She's also really good in Harry Potter.
Me: I'm sorry, what?
Daisy: She's good in Harry Potter.
Me: So the girl in Twilight is the same girl that plays Hermione in Harry Potter?
Daisy: Of course.  Didn't you realize that?
Me: Um, I can't say that I did.  So, what's your favorite sport?


Poor Seven comes from China, but she's going to college in Italy.  Her Italian university has an exchange program to the US, so she's refreshing her English after several years of studying Italian.  This can sometimes be problematic.  Here, our class is playing Catchphrase.

Trinana: Okay, this word is a food.  It's white or yellow, and we put it on top of a pizza.
Seven: Fromaggio...dammit!

Marital Communication

10:15am *Ring!  Ring!*

Peter: Hello?
Me: Hi.  What are you doing?
Peter: Sleeping.  I'm going to work in an hour.  What are you doing?
Me: Teaching. My student is weird.
Peter:  Cool.  Ok, bye!
Me: Ok, bye!

12:42pm *Ring!  Ring!*

Peter: Hello?
Me: What's going on tonight?
Peter: Nothing.
Me: 80 said he was going to cook me General Tso's Chicken.
Peter:  No, we're not doing that.
Me: Uh, ok.  Hey, a bunch of people from work went to your shop for dinner last night.  They said it was good.  I gotta go.
Peter: Ok, bye!

2:53pm *Ring!  Ring!*

Me: Hello?
Peter: The Cessna sales office in Singapore doesn't have anyone who speaks Chinese.
Me: But the web page said their territory was China!
Peter: I know!  They can't speak English, either.  I was trying to give her my email address, I was all like "K for kill you, u for underwear, v for very fat, B for boy," and she was all like, "What?"
Me: Ok, I'll call them.  I'm can do bad English.  Hey, do Chinese people get ear infections?
Peter: Why?
Me: I think I have one.
Peter: Then why does it matter if Chinese people get them?
Me: I need the medicine, of course.
Peter: Er, I gotta go.
Me: So, for sure no dinner tonight?
Peter: Yep.
Me: Ok, bye.

6:10pm *Ring!  Ring!*

Peter's cousin (in Chinese): Peter forgot his phone again.  I'll get him to call you.
Me: Ok, bye.

6:27pm *Ring!  Ring!*

Me: Hello?
Peter: Where are you?
Me: I just left the pharmacy.
Peter: Did you get the medicine?
Me: Maybe.  I gotta go home and google it.
Peter: Are you coming to the shop?
Me: You said no dinner.  Do you want me to come?
Peter: 80 didn't come to his shop today, so he can't cook for you, but you can come if you want to.
Me: I'll come if you want me to come.
Peter: You can come if you want to come.
Me:  Yeah...I'm going home.  I have a headache.
Peter: Do you want to go to Cauliflower's birthday party later?
Me:  No, I have to get up early to go to the bank.
Peter: Ok, you go home, I'll pick you up later and we'll spend that gift card.
Me: Ok, bye.

6:41pm *Ring!  Ring!*

Peter: What are you doing?
Me: I'm at home.
Peter: Cool.  Hey, 80 wants you to come and eat General Tso's Chicken.
Me: You said he wasn't there today.
Peter: He wasn't!  I didn't think he was coming in.  Do you want to come?
Me: Uhhhh...
Peter: You don't have to.
Me: It'll take me forever to get back there.  What's easiest?
Peter: Er...
Me: My ear is full of medicine.  I think.
Peter: We'll do it tomorrow.
Me: Sorry!
Peter: Never mind.  Bye!
Me: Ok, bye.

10:37pm *Ring!  Ring!*

Me: Hello?
Peter: What are you doing?
Me: Sleeping.  I'm sorry I missed 80.
Peter: I'm sorry I'm still at work.
Me: I love you.
Peter: I love you, too.
Me: Ok.
Peter: Bye.

Salute to Fireworks

In honor of the Fourth of July, here's some Chinese firework footage.  The first is a video from Wuhan in 2006, from the top of the building I lived in.  This was taken on Chinese National Day, which is October 1st. 

These two photos are also from National Day 2006.  Some friends and I went to see the city's display of fireworks, set off not near but actually on the Yangtze river.

Oooh!  Ahhh!

Happy Fourth!

A Look At The New Restaurant

Sorry for the hiatus!  Peter has sold the stand that previously housed Three Sisters Rice Noodles.  The new, larger location, was formerly an SPR coffee; a Chinese chain that ripped off Starbuck's so badly that Starbucks actually won the lawsuit.  Peter, his cousin, and Dickey (I tried really hard to give him another English name, but Peter named him that when they were in high school, and it's stuck) are operating Thousand Flavor Foods.  The name sounds much better in Chinese, I promise.  Here's a look at it.  You may only watch this video if 1) you agree to bear with me through my unique, Blair With Project style of cinematography and 2) you promise to believe I am actually much hotter than I look in this video, and 3) you bear in mind that my Chinese is much better than it appears in this video.  Peter's mom is asking me what I am doing, but I don't know how to say "webcam," "upload" "email" or "youtube" in Chinese.  

Teach a Man to Fish, and he'll be Terrified for the Rest of his Life

More fish tales.  If you want to read the beginning of the fish saga, click here.

Me: What is your favorite food?
Vincent: Seafood.  But I don't like to eat fish.
Me: So, you mean you only like shellfish--crab, lobster, etc.
Vincent: Yes.  I really don't like to eat fish.
Me: You don't like the taste?
Vincent: No, I'm afraid of fish.
Me: Again?  Er, I mean, I don't like it when I can see the fish's face.  I only like headless fish.
Vincent: It's not that.  When I was young, my uncle used to chase me around with a whole, raw fish.
Me: But why?
Vincent: For fun?


Peter and I are in a Thai restaurant.  We're in a booth beside a decorative fish tank, which is filled with large goldfishy-type fish.  They make kissing faces at us.

Me: The fish here are nice.
Peter: Sure.
Me: Oh yeah, can you believe it, I had another student today who's afraid of fish?
Peter: Warily eying the fish tank.  I can believe it.
Me: Are those fish creeping you out?
Peter: No.
Me: What if one of them were to, you know, rush at you?
Peter: Maybe.
Me: Really??!  Why are so many Chinese people afraid of--
Peter: Never mind.  I lied.  I am not afraid of fish and I never was.
Me: Really.
Peter: Yes.  What do you want to eat?
Me: The lime chicken.  You?
Peter: The, er, fish soup.  Ground fish soup.
Me: Do you feel safer if they're ground up?
Peter:  Did I say ground fish soup?  I meant I want the ground Christense soup.